Holiday Blues

Hi All,

I am writing this note just to vent about my holiday blues.  I love the holiday time of year.  But for the last several years, the holidays have become a time of stress and worry instead of being a time for joy and family.  

As I look at the coming Christmas season, my heart is filled with worry and doubt instead of joy.  I am spending today alone until this evening when I will be with my family.  Unfortunately, when I am with them, it will be at my ex wife's place.  Not an invitation I wanted, but one that came as a result of her changing plans.  

She had made plans for tomorrow because she did not want to do the celebration today.  So one of my sons and I made plans together.  I had a nice place to go with friends, but canceled so my son would be able to enjoy the holiday with someone he loves.  Then the ex changed her plans and my son got me invited because he did not want to leave me alone (I did not tell him I had plans and canceled them for him.)

Being with my ex usually means that every time she will corner me at every available opportunity and tell me what a terrible man I was and how I ruined her life.  Oddly enough, she does not ever do that to the two other husbands she left in her wake or to the two other live in boyfriends she leaves behind.  And the guy she is with now will join the ranks, it's just a matter of time.  

So now, instead of enjoying my son.  I will be sitting at a place where I know the host does not want me and I will be miserable, even with my children and grandchildren.  But I will pretend to be happy because I love them and don't want them hurt.  

And next comes the pressure from the extended family.  I live in Virginia and lived in Colorado for over 18 years before I came here.  I can count the number of telephone calls and visits I have received from them in all those 28 years on my fingers.  One of the calls was to tell me my father died and one visit was when my oldest son got married.  These people obviously don't care much about me or my  life. But if I don't call them and make every effort to show them how much I love them at the holidays, I will hear about it every time I make contact with any of them. 

I am always supposed to understand that it is somehow my place to make all contact with my family.  And frankly, I don't.  I am tired of being everyone's last thought.  I am tired of not being invited to family occasions and I am tired of not feeling loved or cared for even at the most basic level.  Why can't they think of me, just this once?  

And then comes the money stress.  I live on a very tight budget and barely survive at that.  I am not starving and my needs are met, but there is not a lot extra around here.  I do not begrudge anyone any gifts and I love giving them.  But the stress to find money where there is none is just more than I can stand at times.  I just wish I was able to show the people I love how I really feel about them.  I wish I could spoil my grand children rotten!  But instead, I will buy some modest gift and hope for the best.  

When I was young, there was the hope that one day I would get past the hard times and life would get easier, but now I just don't believe that any longer.  But I also don't have that will to be creative and to keep surviving beyond it all.  

I just wish there was a place to go to escape the hurt.