Et Tu, Brute!

I recently had a bad experience with a friend who viewed backstabbing as a relationship option. I won't go into the details of the experience in this paragraph. But I do want to share the feelings that I have been experiencing.

You see, a few years back, I moved here to Virginia to be close to my children. Their mom moved here after our divorce. Moving here was the only practical way for me to be with my family. When I came here, I had some difficulty settling in, but after several years life began to take shape again. And the relationship with my children was enriched to the point where we enjoy close family ties, so it was all worth the effort and the trials that came with it.

The one area where I did not do well was in establishing personal relationships and friendships. I missed my former life out West terribly and I missed having adult companions. So I decided to make better efforts to promote friendships and relationships. I had no idea where to start.

I entered a business relationship with someone who quickly became a friend. I was unbelievable thrilled as this person truly seemed to be the kindest, most generous, decent person I had met in ages. I honestly could not believe that God had put someone so wonderful right under my nose and that I was so lucky has to have someone like this in my life.

For the first time in the 8 years that I have lived here, I had someone to talk to. I had someone that I thought I could share my secret pain with and someone that I thought I could share the things that are only for 'inner circle' friends. I had the kind of friend that I had left behind in Colorado and could only share with by phone or email now, but right here in front of me, right here in person. Or so I thought.

Our business relationship was a roommate relationship. We shopped together, ate together, watched movies together and played cards with my roomies friends together. I was so excited that she had introduced me to such nice people and that I had new developing friendships. I thought we were closest of friends and I thought the friendship had real meaning. Until the issues over the temperature of the house became apparent.

Oddly enough, the temperature was an issue for me before I ever heard anything from my roomie, but to keep the peace and because she was so wonderful in other areas, I never said a word. You see, she liked the place very cold at night and left it very warm during the daytime hours. For me, it was horrible because I have an upstairs bedroom. Which meant that for the temp to be as cool as she liked it at night, the A/C had to be constantly blowing all night long and my room would get extremely cold (I would have to wear sweats and shoes and socks to play at the computer in August) to the point where I would have to sleep covered with heavy winter blankets. She set the temp at 68, but my room would get as low as 60 degrees. Again, I did not complain, I simply added blankets and clothing. Then in the daytime, she would set the temp to 75, which meant that the A/C did not come on until my room reached 80 degrees or more. To make matters worse, I work an evening shift. I get home after midnight and generally do not get to bed until around 2:00 am, which meant for me that I would go to bed in a room that was around 60 degrees and wake up under heavy blankets in a room that was around 80 degrees. Again, I never said anything, I just wanted to keep the peace. I did however during the day allow use fo the fan and sometimes when the temperature got very hot, I would turn it from 75 to 72 to make it a bit more tolerable upstairs. If I had wanted to camp outdoors, I would have bought a tent instead of renting a room.

A few weeks into summer, I got a nasty gram telling me that she would have to raise the rent if I continued my excessive use of the A/C and that I had to keep the vents in my room open for the appropriate air flow. I thought to myself, I am not the one who is raising the house temp to 75-80 and dropping it to 68 at night, but I said nothing. I simply complied and never touched the A/C again no matter how hot or cold the place got. I also opened my vent and piled on the blankets. I figured problem solved. She will have the house at whatever temperature she wants it to be at and I will still have a decent place to live and a good friend, it was worth dealing with a bit of discomfort to make her happy and to keep the peace.

But as always, no good deed goes unpunished. Yesterday was the labor day holiday. My roommate was off work. I had slept in as usual because I had to work last night and I keep my schedule as normal as possible. When I awoke, I heard the voice of a friend downstairs. It was her pastor, one of the friends that she had introduced me to and I was happy he was here and wanting to say hello. I got showered and came down to say hello only to discover that he was over here putting up a lock over the thermostat. I was shocked and could not believe how petty and childish my roommate had acted. I said hello to her friend and made my way back upstairs until he left. At which time I came back downstairs and told her how I was feeling about her behavior.

I told her that I had been angry about the temperature issue ever since her nasty gram, which she insisted was just a friendly reminder. I thought friendly reminder, really? I will raise your rent if you do not freeze at night and sweat all day long and live in total discomfort! That's a friendly reminder? Then I explained that I had not touched the thermostat since the time when she had written her note, she called me a liar and claimed that I had changed it on a particular day. I did not! I then asked her what was next, will I come home to find the ceiling fan missing? Will I find that I only have cold water to bathe in? She looked at me like I was crazy to even suggest such a thing, I simply pointed at the wall to emphasize that she had only moments earlier done something exactly that crazy.

During our discussion, I also found out that she had been going into my room and private things to 'check up' on me. Oddly enough, I am a very open person and would welcome anyone to go into my room and things, as long as I was aware that they were doing so. But going into my things when I am not home is simply and plainly a violation of trust. While we share the common areas of the home and a certain lack of privacy is expected, I do expect privacy in my room and I have never once crossed my roommates threshold without her knowledge, even to take her pet out for a bathroom excursion. I would simply call the animal out of the room and go about my business. I gave a certain amount of privacy and respect and I deserve the same measure of privacy and respect.

I also discovered that my roomie/friend was backstabbing me and telling others negative stories about my behaviors. She was claiming that I was wasting utilities and causing unnecessary expense. Of course, when she was dropping the temperature 15-20 degrees every night and then raising it back in the morning and when she was showering 3-4 times a day, that was reasonable. But when my room hit 80 degrees daily, I was wasteful to bring the temperature down 2-3 degrees! Interesting double standard.

But even beyond that, to bring mutual friends into the situation, to degrade me in front of these people and to assault my character was simply uncalled for. She laid waste to the wonderful new friendships that I was developing. I now feel that I can not face these people without having to defend myself against what she has falsely accused me of, or without sucking it up and letting them think I am some kind of irresponsible scum.

So where am I now? I am out shopping for a new room and a decent roommate. While she is sitting fat, dumb and happy with my money in her pocket. I can only hope and pray that she gets the type of person she deserves next time and that some other decent sucker does not get taken in and abused by her!